her thighs at night were lily white, by morning they were scarlet!

we might be able to get our 'main' infertility treatment taken care of before we move all of our shit back to urbana in march. THIS WOULD BE UNEXPECTEDLY GREAT. hurry it up, free clinic! finger crossed, friends.

squatters were living in the apartment above mine and i had to call the cops on them and now i feel very old.

Dear _____,
I'm feeling stranded on the west coast of america, where the weather is changing for the worse and it smells like the sea every morning. I know the bus routes like the pack of my hand and I can fit all my important belongings in a suitcase, and some afternoons I take a lunch break and consider never going back. Instead I finish my shift and come on back to my studio and curl up with my perfect man who does the dishes and the laundry and writes stories just for me - and the day starts all over again from the beginning.

Yes, I admit that I'm jealous of your toddler and I'm jealous of your dog and I'm jealous of your passport and I'm jealous of your two hundred thousand dollar condo and I'm jealous that you don't have to get up at eight in the morning to get quarters to wash your laundry because your boss told you that you can't wear that shirt to work again. My mother told me - chill, you'll get your chance - and my father told me that she's a liar and an adultress, and I'd just like to see what a day feels like where I sleep for more than five hours.

my love, she hath no beauty,
leaves her garden overgrown,
her face a'twist with sorrow
for she loves me all alone

her eyes - a glass-blue wonder,
her hair hung like splintered lead,
her collar edged and riven
veined with scars that never bled

my love deracinates the roses,
finding joy in their duress
nettle's murdered all the flowers,
and the ivy's in excess

her flesh - once torn asunder,
now stitched taught by leather thread,
o', her body, 'twas a burden
as i laid her on the bed

my love sleeps upon a thicket,
all entwined with thorns ground fine
and yet still i lay beside her,
let her tie my wrists in twine

what a horror came upon me,
to see her first all shorn and raw,
her flesh a detestation
her parted lips, a gaping maw

my love's mouth, it bore a serpent
and she nursed it at her breast,
i prayed death soon be upon me-
she laid that beast upon my chest

i thought only of the garden -
the serpent rived my ribs apart
bone in briar stretched like sinew,
as the snake excised my heart

my love's face grew soft and pallid -
i passed on to join the dead
i fear i have no soul to love you
was the only thing she said

and the garden's still untended,
orchids sink into the mire
and nestled in the ivy
hangs my heart upon the briar.

god desires two things only,
obedience,
& fear.


& it begins again.
& you don't know.
you can't possibly know.
no. wait, here, look. it is inevitable.
to feel that white-and-cold flush of terror and despair.
i will tell you this:
the last breath is sickly sweet,
& acidic.
perfume.
bile.
white vinegar.
ice.
strawberries.
cabernet.
smoke.
salt-water.
look -
now the torment beings!
watch him cry,
and cry,
and cry.
too young to understand why his mother won't come home.
too small to bear the heartbreak of this world.
sick in bed,
& screaming for me
until his voice can no more rise above a whisper.
then i learn how to beg.
then i learn how to pray.
no god here,
i think.
but perhaps somewhere.
perhaps.
so wail sorrows.
bargain.
plead.

take all memory of me from him.
make his suffering mine.

it will work.
it is conditional.
'you cannot wish this away', god says.
'you cannot regret this.
comply,
or i will break his heart
& feed the shreds to wild dogs.
resist,
& i will make him languish in agony beyond imagining.
vivisect him.
lacerate him.
detach,
& watch him plagued with night-terrors
he will burn by day,
& freeze by night.
his tears will be as shards of glass.
accede,
or i will raze him exquisitely.
oh, yes!
i will baptize him by fire.
mutilate him.
eviscerate him.
misstep,
& he will be mine to love.
i will tear those he loves from him,
violently,
& with great tenderness.
i will make him as i am.
i will make him alone.'
god smiles,
& weeps.
' i would but amputate your eyelids,
break the delicate bones of your ankles,
& force your audience.
i would but deny you pity,
rape and ravage you,
leave you bloodied,
& scarred,
& consummate.
for i am forgiving.
for i am merciful.'
coup de grace.
what can you do but agree?
what can i do but watch the fruits of my horror?
what can i do but wish for a death which has already come?
be grateful.
be so grateful.
& glory be to god on highest.
watch my beloved son forget my face,
& the smell of my clothes.
his laughter hangs in the air like smoke
& dissipates,
and becomes my anchor.
watch him speak of me by name without emotion,
or longing.
watch him grow into someone i do not recognize,
or know.
reason kneels before want,
& envies savage love desperately.
this monstrous love.
born not of carnal knowledge,
but of self sacrifice,
and lust for union.
i say:

oh, my darling,
my darling,
i love you for you are the best of me.
i love you as i cannot love myself,
and i would but bring the day of reckoning to the whole world just to know you.
i would but bring carnage,
& the shank,
& the storm,
for i have no mercy,
& i have much to want.
feel no pity,
my darling,
my darling,
for i have much to pay for.
i love you,
for you quiet the rage in me.
for your mother is harrowing,
and torturous,
and tortured.
you are my opiate.
you are my mirth.
without you,
every moment is agony,
& every breath diamond dust.
you are not the best of my world,
you are the world itself.
without you,
i cease to exist.
to suffer is nothing compared to anaesthesia.
my darling,
my darling,
you are so holy.
pray,
and i will listen.
ask,
and i will see it done.
for to deny you is to deny my own heart.

i wrote a short whiny post, and then a long elaborate post on extroversion as a defense mechanism, and then another short post on how i like to read books that don't haunt me.

in short, i read ender's game and it's really fucking with me. as i said in the first post i wrote, i have nothing to say. i'm going to go read something trivial that i can put down and leave behind and forget.

"i didn't want to see you."
"they told me."
"i was afraid that i'd still love you."
"i hoped that you would."
"my fear, your wish -- both granted."



ps: apparently this book is becoming a movie. directed by wolfgang petersen. nothing good can come of this.

jordan: "okay so the hobbit is like this adventure where gandalf comes knocking on bilbo's door and is like 'hey, come with me' and bilbo is like 'hey, who the hell are you' and then they go on the grand adventure which pretty much means absolutely nothing."

a guy in the marines just tried to recruit me. i want to know how the marines got my cell phone number. i feel all violated!
our conversation went something like this.

marines guy: is ariel available?
me: um...sure. this is she.
g: i'm colonel mustard and i'd like to inform you about all the great opportunities the marines can provide! have you ever considered joining the armed forces?
m: fuck no.
g: why not?
m: because you're fighting an unjust war and i'm sure as hell not going to die in it. in fact, i like jobs where i don't get shot at, period.
g: oh, right, right. i've heard that before, a lot of people feel that way. me, personally, i like the marines because of all the opportunities they provide and all the benefits they give to me and my family, like a great education. can i ask you a few questions?
m: sure.
g: what are you doing right now? i mean, what do you want to do with your life, to make a living?
m: i'm considering being a midwife.
g: oh yeah? what's that?
m: obviously you're greatly overrating the so called great education you're trying to sell me on.
g: no, seriously, what is it?
m: it means i'd deliver babies in women's homes. you know, instead of in the hospital.
g: no kidding? i didn't know that existed. i just had a kid.
m: congratulations.
g: thanks. you know, we might be able to help you out with training for something like that. there are lots of opportunities to learn skills in the medical field..
m: i think you misheard me. i said i wanted to deliver kids, not shoot them.
g: ...right, right. a lot of people feel that way, you know? but hey, you have to consider all the benefits. and even though you disagree with the war, you still respect the men and women in the armed forces, right?
m: no.
g: um...alright, well thanks for your time. you have a really great night, and god bless you and your family.
m: i don't believe in god.
g: ...what?
m: i don't believe in god, i'm an atheist.
g: ...


oh. okay, you have a good night then.

*CLICK*